Be Gay For A Day

Curry? No thanks!

Anybody who watched the Bulls over the last few years already knew Eddy Curry didn’t like to be touched. I mean, this guy avoided physical contact like he was the last slice of pizza in a take-out box and the opposing team was made up entirely of Oliver Miller clones. But I don’t think anyone really understood how deeply his aversion to the human touch ran. Until now, that is. In a recent interview, Curry, now a member of the pitiful Knicks, was asked whether he had any pet peeves. This …was his response:

“People touching me. On our team we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff and I really hate that.”

I’m not sure which is the more disturbing revelation: that Eddy plays like he’s made of glass because bumping into other guys scares him, or that there are “a lot of young guys” on the Knicks who apparently enjoy poking and tickling their 6’11”, 285 pound center. According to the interview, Curry already employs a housekeeper, a driver, and a personal chef. Maybe he should hire Mr. Whipple too, just to keep those crazy kids from launching a tickle attack every time he comes into the locker room.

“Eww!! Ewwwww!!! Don’t touch me!! Ewww!!”

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I guess you can read the interview if you have any interest whatsoever in Eddy Curry. Some highlights include, oh, I don’t know, that he has three kids, and, uh, likes catfish. And, uhm, or forget it. Nobody cares about Eddy Curry. Unless they want to poke something soft and squishy.

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Has anybody seen Usher lately?

(Be Gay For A Day 9/2 2006 @ 15.00)

Did anybody know that R&B artist Usher was a minority owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers? It was news to me too. But yeah, apparently he loves Cleveland, and he really loves the Cavs. In fact, he was so juiced about buying into the team, he said, “I look for Cleveland to be my home away from home.”

But that …was last March. According to the latest reports, Usher no longer attends Cavalier home games and his music is no longer played at Quicken Loans Arena (am I the only person who still calls it Gund Arena?). According to his publicist, Usher still owns part of the team and is “very active in building the brand” (whatever that means). The Cavaliers organization, for their part, have yet to comment. The whole situation was bizarrely summed up by Paul Swangard, director of the University of Oregon’s Warsaw Sports Management Center:

“You can sell the sizzle, but if there’s no steak then people are going to figure it out after awhile. If it doesn’t happen, then it’s totally unauthentic and you run the risk of people saying, ‘Can I believe them with anything?'”

Sizzle. Steak. Figuring out that famous people are full of crap. I guess Paul must have picked up the Complete Dumbass’s Guide To Duh on his last trip to Borders. Oh well. The real victim in all this is the Cavaliers basketball team. I don’t know how they’re going to get by without Usher sitting in the front row at their games. I guess they’re just going to have to rely on that LeBron James guy if they want to win anything.

Hey! I think I found Usher! It looks like he’s making gay porn these days.

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Porntastic Extra: Everybody can relax. We’ve found Usher. Apparently he’s just been sitting around the house, doing crunches and soaking himself in melted butter. Okay. Just what the hell is up with this picture? I understand a man can only rap if he’s wearing low-rise jeans, but why the picture of him shirtless, eyes closed, and breathing in the ecstasy of his own musk? Yeah, his abs look great, but even if he had them tattooed with a picture of himself killing a grizzly bear, this is soft-core gay porn. I mean, it’s possible this is just a standard publicity shot. He might be thinking, “What kind of a world are we living in? I should be able to strip down and recline, all buff and covered in cooking spray, without people thinking I’m gay.” But when you’re a famous rapper who owns part of a men’s basketball team, you’ve should probably be a little more conscious of your image. Unless you just really hope to secude LeBron into making out with you.

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Lick your favorite NBA players.

(Be Gay For A Day 9/2 2006 @ 16.00)

Have you ever wondered what Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal tastes like? Or maybe wanted to run your tongue down Tracy McGrady’s back? Well, David Stern understands your needs and he’s responded…by releasing officially sanctioned mint topical postage stamps featuring your favorite and not-so-favorite NBA players!

Just as I thought …Darko tastes like shit.

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There’s something strangely comforting in the fact that I can now paste any NBA player to a letter and send him wherever I want. And I don’t mean to let the cat out of the bag or anything, but you’d better start addressing your Kobe Bryant fan letters to Abu Dhabi

Dwyane Wade is on the 75 cent stamp and therefore was mildly offended that Antoine Walker and Alonzo Mourning are on 90 cent stamps. But he was happy that at least Udonis Haslem got the cheapy treatment.

“Udonis is 35 cent so it’s cool I’m worth more. I’m now internationally known and well accepted. As long as I’m over Udonis, I’m cool.”

I’m not sure whether the worth of the stamp is directly related to the worth of the player, so Wade may or may not have anything to be concerned about. But you’ll notice that Darko is on a 10 cent stamp.

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Labels: Eddy Curry / Oliver Miller / LeBron James / Dwyane Wade / Antoine Walker / Alonzo Mourning / Shaquille O’Neal / Tracy McGrady / Udonis Haslem / Kobe Bryant / Darko Milicic / Miami Heat / New York Knicks / Chicago Bulls / Cleveland Cavaliers / NBA / Be Gay For A Day

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