Be Gay For A Day

Happy Valentines Day from Silent Assassin!

Why not send a Portland Trail Blazer e-greeting to that special someone on this special day. After all, nothing says “I’ll love you forever” like a picture of Zach Randolph holding a pot of fake flowers.

How, uhm …romantic?

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More e-greeting madness, this time from the Philidelphia 76ers. I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling warm and fuzzy in places I’ve never felt warm and fuzzy before. This is the bestest Valentine’s Day ever!!

Why? Because Kyle Korver is love.

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Mavs Man is the official team mascot of the Dallas Mavericks, but he does more than jump through flaming hoops to dunk a basketball. He also delivers personalized holiday greetings. And if you hadn’t waited until the last damn minute to buy your girlfriend some wilted roses and a beat-up box of candy from Fannie Mae, you could have hired Mavs Man to deliver his own unique brand of Valentine’s Day love. For only $225.

“From Friday, February 10 through Tuesday, February 14 have MAVS MAN make a personal appearance at your Valentine’s home, office or school between 9:00 AM and 6:00 PM. The appearance will last approximately 5-10 minutes and is accompanied by the Dallas Mavericks mascot delivering a gift basket to your Valentine!”

A gift basket, you ask? Oh yes. The basket your sweetie won’t be getting this year includes a wide variety of fabulous surprises, which I will now unsurprise for you:

Dallas Mavericks T-Shirt

Mascot Doll

Dallas Mavericks Bumper Sticker

Autographed Mascot Photo

Candle

Box of Candy

Valentine’s Day Balloon

Valentine’s Day Card

Digital Photos Of The Appearance

Plus much more!

Huhn. So it’s basically a propaganda package for the Mavericks. You know, Hitler employed a similar tactic, only his Valentine’s Day “gift basket” included the Nazi flag, a Luger pistol, and a man-sized Easy-Bake Oven. Suffice to say, holidays in Germany during the 1930s were pretty scary. Personally, I want to know what “Plus much more” means. Does Mavs Man do a strip tease? Or make out with you? Maybe he brings porn along. I don’t know. But I’m not dropping two hundred dollars to find out.

Valentine’s Day has changed a lot from when I was a kid.

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Wedgietastic extra: The actual caption from the above picture reads “This student was the talk of the school after receiving his Valentine surprise a day early.” I’m sure that’s 100 percent true, too, assuming you define “the talk of the school” as being subject to ridicule, random beatings, and about 50 Atomic Wedgies. Thanks, Mavs Man!

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The Pacers really know how to show their fans the love. But not with that “winning” thing that seems to be so popular around the NBA these days. No, instead they forced Peja Stojakovic and Scot Pollard to host a live chat. On Valentine’s Day.

Peja and Scot will always love you. Always.

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You may be asking yourself “What do Peja Stojakovic and Scot Pollard have to do with a greeting-card inspired romantic holiday?” This answer may surprise you: I have no freaking idea. But they did it, and the results are equal parts insane and hilarious. I’ve randomly posted some of their more “inspired” answers without the benefit of the associated question. Don’t get the wrong idea or anything. The answers don’t really make any more sense if you know the question. I’m just lazy.

Scot Pollard: “Peja says he feels very good. He is especially happy because he is the best-looking player on the team. Personally, I’m happy to be reunited with the best-looking man in the NBA and I will continue to try and pull down as many rebounds as possible.”

Peja Stojakovic: “I have a guy, Neil, who is my hairdresser in Sacramento.”

Scot Pollard: “If your name is Bart, does that mean your father’s name is Homer. Any person named Bart in the 20th century …that is really some cross to bear. Nice job, there, Bart.”

Peja Stojakovic: “I like small serbia in Chicago!”

Scot Pollard: “In Serbia they play Donkey.”

Scot Pollard: “Peja is perfect and women just wants to please him so he never has any problems. My Valentine’s Days are spent mostly just basking in Peja’s glow.”

Peja Stojakovic: “I also pay the American taxes!”

There you have it. We now know that Serbians play “Donkey” (I just had to suppress an involuntary shudder) and Peja pays American taxes. Many thanks to the Pacers organization for answering these and two or three other questions I never had about two completely uninteresting men. Maybe next time they’ll let us chat with Jeff Foster and Eddie Gill. That would rock.

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Labels: Zach Randolph / Kyle Korver / Peja Stojakovic / Scot Pollard / Jeff Foster / Eddie Gill / Portland Trail Blazers / Philidelphia 76ers / Dallas Mavericks / Indiana Pacers / NBA / Be Gay For A Day