Be Gay For A Day

Stephon Marbury: A dangerous obsession.

Most rational human beings can easily recognize the difference between typical fandom and dangerous obsession. But if the reaction we’ve gotten on our Gatorade post are any indication, many of you are “stark raving BLOOOAARGH!!” Technically speaking. To determine the extent of your mental health (or lack thereof), please take the following test.

It is a lovely summer’s day. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and you just had a wonderfully fulfilling bowel movement. You know, the kind where you get everything out. You see your favorite professional athlete walking along a busy street. Do you:

A. Say and do nothing. Simply seeing him/her is enough.

B. Scream out his/her name and wave frantically until acknowledged.

C. Run over to him/her, give a vigorous handshake and/or hug, then request an autograph.

D. Follow him/her home, as silent and invisible as the Ninja, and watch him/her lovingly through the bedroom window.

E. All of the above. Also, break into his/her home so that you can sleep in their bed. Steal a few “mementos” (jerseys, trophies, championship rings, dead skin shavings for your cloning experiments, underwear, etc.). Set up a sophisticated surveillance system so you can watch them at all times, like in that Jim Carrey movie The Truman Show. Build a small shrine – hell, a big shrine – to him/her in your home, so that you an administer regular benedictions.

If you answered A: You’re calm and cool. Maybe a little too calm and cool. This is your favorite athlete, man!

If you answered B: You’re a typical fan. Kind of a jackass, but not bad enough to warrant a restraining order.

If you answered C: You’re starting to tread some very thin ice. If the athlete in question has a posse, you’ll probably get pistol-whipped.

If you answerd D: Remember what I said about that restraining order? Forget it. Jesus break dancing Christ. You’re one creepy dude.

If you answered E: Have you ever felt the jarring sting of a stun gun? If not, you should feel it right …about …NOW!

I would guess most of you fall somewhere between A and C. We do have one crazed Kobe fan who keeps trying to leave rude comments, and he falls smack dab in the middle of E. But hey, even we’ll admit that Kobe’s an okay player. He can score, has a knack for giving himself sinister nicknames, and was once a wanted criminal. He’s sort of like the Darth Vader of the NBA. Which is kind of cool. I guess.

But why in the name of Lincoln’s Eyebrow would someone be completely obsessed with Stephon Marbury? If Kobe is Darth Vadar, then Stephon is that little rat thing that lived in Jabba the Hutt‘s fat folds. And this guy …he isn’t just fanatical. He’s a hysterical psychopath. Do you think I’m kidding? Overreacting, maybe? Let me put it this way. Have you ever watched a movie about a seriel killer, and when the cops finally find the killer’s secret lair, there’s a giant picture collage of the killer’s next vicitm (usually the lead detective’s wife or girlfriend)? Well, check this out:

Wow. I mean, just… wow.


And it’s not just the collage. This dude has every Marbury product you could possibly imagine. And not just the jerseys, posters, and action figures. He’s got paintings, newspaper clippings, magazine articles, signed basketballs, cards, and pictures. He’s got every Marbury game on tape, and special TV to watch them with. The room where he keeps his this stuff has orange and blue carpeting, to match the Knicks’ colors. And, the cherry on this apeshit sundea is a hand-quilted blanket with Stephon’s image …on his bed.

To be able to sleep with Stephon draped over me. A dream come true.


Don’t get me wrong. I’m happy this guy found something he can believe in. Being a fan is fun. But turning your home into The Temple of Stephon is frightening. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish sewing this Larry Bird mask I’m making out of real human skin.


Breaking news: Pot calls kettle “black”.

(Be Gay For A Day 13/4 2006 @ 16.00)

Then we walk from one loony to another. I’m thinking of course about our favorite fuck-up Ron Artest. The fact that Sacramento beat the Spurs last Wednesday was big news in and of itself. But leave it to Ron Artest to add his own special brand of blundering numbskullery to the proceedings. In one of the most spectacular displays of hypocrisy I’ve ever seen – well, read, anyway – Artest had the audacity to complain about how Bruce Bowen plays defense.

“Bruce Bowen was smacking me the whole game. I couldn’t believe it. He was just smacking me. I was like, that’s not even legal. That’s why I’m the Defensive Player of the Year. That’s why. Because I play good defense. No gimmicks.”

No gimmicks, eh? That’s pretty funny coming from the guy who once pulled down Paul Pierce’s shorts during a freaking game. (Seriously watch it, this guy is way beyond coo-coo-cachoo.) And yes, he did so, to distract Pierce during a critical possession.

Yeah, the picture sucks. Follow the link to watch the de-pantsing on video.


But even if we ignore the shorts-pulling incident, Artest is still guilty of constant bumping, grinding, clutching, grabbing, and general all-around thuggery. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not defending Bowen so much as I’m calling Artest a big, fat, poopy-headed liar.

This is all just part of Artest’s “Shut Up and Give Me the Defensive Player of the Year Award” campaign. Ah, nothing like going for individual honors at the expense of other people and your own dignity. I particularly enjoyed Artest’s contention that “guys are having 40 (point games), and they play against me and don’t get nothing.” I’ll ignore the double negative, but I will point out that, after guaranteeing that Kobe wouldn’t get his season average against Artest in a recent Kings/Lakers game, Bryant netted 36, which, at the time, was a point above his average.

So shut the hell up, Ron. By the way: I hate you. And my hatred for you has everything nothing to do with how you destroyed the Pacers’ last two seasons. Really.


Labels: Stephon Marbury / Kobe Bryant / Larry Bird / Ron Artest / Bruce Bowen / Paul Pierce / Indiana Pacers / Sacramento Kings / San Antonio Spurs / Los Angeles Lakers / NBA Defensive Player of the Year / NBA / Be Gay For A Day

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