Word on the Street

Me and Jens, another writer here at the Silent Assassin worked in different rooms. Me on the “Be Gay For A Day” column, and he on the “Word on the Street” column. When all the paper work was in, we came to the conlusion that we had been working almost the same piece. So the easiest way to go, was to mix the both columns. So for the first time, Silent Assassin gives to you: Be Gay on the Street.

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Shug (shug) noun. A simple gesture of good will that begins as a handshake and seamlessly transitions into a hug-like, semi-embrace. This act should last no more than one to three seconds, and it is often accompanied by a firm slap on the back and whispered words of affection, encouragement, or challenge. Also referred to as a “man hug,” this gesture is used both as a pre-game greeting and as a sign of post-game celebration (with a teammate) or courtesy (for an opponent).

Usage example: “Today’s NBA players always shug before the opening tip.”

Word trivia: I could write an expansive list that outlines the do’s and don’ts of shugging another man, but what’s the point? Let your schlong be your guide, my friends. If your Buster McThunderstick remains as cold and unmoving as an ancient Egyptian obelisk, then all is well. If, however, your purple-headed meat scepter begins to shrivel and squirm around like a kitten dropped into a bucket of acid, then something has gone terribly wrong and the shug should be aborted immediately (if not sooner). In case you’re a eunuch, here are a few simple examples that may assist you in future shugging endeavors.

Wrong: The following shug starts out with far too much intimacy. Gazing longingly into another dude’s eyes is more like the prelude to sweaty, man-on-man action than a stouthearted sign of virile camaraderie.

“I’ll never forget those sunny Dallas days …or those hot Dallas nights.”

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Right: You can see that Manu Ginobili is about to slap Tony Parker on the back – always a plus – and that his eyes are rolled up in a disdainful look of “I do not enjoy touching other men in this way, but sportsmanship demands it.” This is a textbook shug.

“I am doing this only because I must.”

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Wrong: Here Kevin Willis commits the cardinal sin of shugging: Going too far too fast into a double-armed bunny hug complete with his head dipping down onto Tim Duncan’s shoulder. You can tell Tim is trying to disassociate himself from this womanly act, as well he should.

“Uh, you need to get off me man…”

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Right: Michael Jordan wasn’t just one of the greatest basketball players in NBA history, he was also one of the best shuggers of all time. Notice that his hands never open during the shug; they remain resolute fists of fury that can, if needed, be used to bludgeon his fellow shuggee into a shapeless, pulpy mass. Note also that he’s sharing a few words with Reggie Miller, probably something along the lines of “I hope you’re ready for a serious ass-kicking.”

“You know I have to kick your ass now, right?”

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Wrong …and right: This is a full-bodied, head-gripping embrace between Kobe Bryant and wacko-madman Stephen Jackson. This is about as wrong as a shug can possibly get, short of the two men actually grinding their genitals together. However, astute observers will notice that Kobe is clearly wracked with anguish and (!!) crying. And there’s everything right about that.

“It’s so cold. Please hold me.”

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And last but not least …everybodys fantasy dream shug.

Hey girls! What do you say about makin’ it a 4some?

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Labels: Manu Ginobili / Tony Parker / Tim Duncan / Kevin Willis / Michael Jordan / Stephen JacksonReggie Miller / NBA / Word on the Street

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