Word on the Street

Stone Hands (ston handz) noun. A term used to describe the hands of a player who has extreme difficulty – note the emphasis on extreme – catching a basketball, dribbling a basketball, passing a basketball, and finishing layups. In some radical cases, the player can’t even dunk effectively. The dunk, of course, being a shot that’s successfully converted something like 100 percent of the time. Let me put it another way: The only reason you would ever hand this person your baby is if you didn’t want that baby anymore. Also, you probably shouldn’t let him carry the grocery bag with the eggs and bread in it.

Usage example:And Kwame Brown flat out sucks. He has stone hands, and, when the sun shines on a dog’s [expletive for “butt”] and he DOES catch the ball, he either turns it over or misses a two-footer.”

Word trivia: During L.A.’s 106-98 loss to the Suns, Lakers fans played The Giant Falling Anvil to Kwame Brown’s Wile E. Coyote, booing him with a pitiless rage that would make even Hannibal Lecter a little uneasy. Kwame played so badly – 3-for-8 shooting, two blown layups, one missed dunk, and 7 turnovers – that one wonders whether he has the manual dexterity necessary to accomplish even the simplest of tasks, like using a remote control or unwrapping a piece of gum.

You poor little Lakers fans think you really have it rough, don’t you? Well, screw you guys. You don’t know what “rough” is. Rough is being a long-time Utah Jazz fan who lived through a decade’s worth of Gregory Donovan Ostertag. Don’t talk to me about blown passes and missed dunks. There’s a 10,000-page book on the subject; you’ll find it in the library, alphabetized by author: Ostertag, Greg.

Do you realize that Ostertag stood 7’2″ and weighed 300 pounds, and he had the most prolific passer of all time tossing him the rock, and he still shot a miserable 48 percent for his career? And none of those shots were put up outside of two feet! Nobody should blame John Stockton or Karl Malone for those heartbreaking losses in the 1997 and 1998 NBA Finals. If Ostertag could have held onto a damn ball once or twice, the Jazz might have won back-to-back titles.

Grraaaaargh!! Okay. I think I’m done now.

Would you like some insult with your injury? Just how stiff and impenetrable are Brown’s stony hands? Even the video game Kwame can’t catch the damn ball. Or even react to it as it hits him square in the chest. Man, today’s video games are realistic.

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“Hands… feel like… stone…

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Labels: Kwame Brown / Greg Ostertag (Gregory Donovan) / John Stockton / Karl Malone / Los Angeles Lakers / Phoenix Suns / Utah Jazz / 1997 NBA Finals / 1998 NBA Finals / NBA / Word on the Street

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